I am scared of going to sleep. Do everything I can to put it off. I am tired, so tired, three months of newborn baby tired. Eyes scratchy, skull muscles tight, shoulders hunched, feet cold, mind racing.
I switch off the light, lie on my left hand side, pillow between my legs. The herbal sleeping pills will start to work soon. They will. I must not worry about sleep. It’s a vicious circle. If I worry I won’t sleep. I won’t worry. I won’t worry.
Garden. I’ll plan my garden. Go through the gate, raised bed either side. White flowers spilling over the edges, mixed with vegetables. Fruit trees, apple, plum, cherry. Somewhere to sit…
Was that her? Is she waking up? Adrenaline pricks my skin. No, she’s still asleep. I am wide awake. The delicious feeling of sliding away gone. Gone. What if I don’t get it back? What if I can’t fall asleep. What if that was my only chance to fall asleep? Don’t worry. Worrying will make it worse.
The garden, sitting on a bench in the shade. Deep breath in and slow breath out. I can do this. This is better. At least I’m lying down, at least I’m resting. That’s important too…
What? What’s that noise? Oh, it’s her. She’s crying. Must be time to feed her. What time IS it? I feel like I’ve slept about ten minutes. Oh, I’ve slept for a couple of hours. That’s good. A least I was able to fall asleep. It proves I can. If I can do it once, I’ll be able to do it again.
She’s lovely. I do love her. Her tiny pearly fingernails, silky black hair, perfect mouth. I just wish I wasn’t so exhausted. I’m doing the right thing by breastfeeding, I know that. And I don’t want to stop. I just wish someone else could do it. Just for one night. If I could just sleep for one night, I’d feel normal again. Not so scared, anxious, stupid.
She’s finished. I’ll put her back in her cot. Will she settle? Will she start crying again? No? I’ll just lie down, wait a few minutes. She’s gone quiet. Perhaps I’ll check. She looks like she’ll settle. Good.
What time is it? Three o’clock. I must stop looking at the clock. I’ll just start worrying again. I mustn’t worry. It’s pointless to worry. I feel asleep earlier, so I can do it now.
The garden. I’ll grow tomatoes, strawberries, runner beans. Warm sunshine, cool green grass.
It’s not working. I’m not drifting off. How long have I been lying here? I mustn’t look at the clock. Mustn’t look at the clock. It’ll only make me anxious. Lying down is good, I’m still getting rest. But I won’t be able to cope tomorrow on two hours sleep. I need to sleep. I NEED to sleep.
The light is changing. It’s no longer pitch black. I NEED TO SLEEP. OK, deep breath in, long breath out. Don’t worry. Worrying won’t help.
I ache. I’m cold. I can’t get comfortable. Never mind, just lie still. Don’t worry.
Why’s she so noisy? Can’t she just sleep quietly? It’s all very well saying sleep when the baby sleeps, sleep when you can. I CAN’T.
OK, calm down. You fell asleep before, you can do it again. Breathe. Close your eyes. Breathe. Lie still…
NO. NO NO NO. I’m not ready. I was asleep. I WAS ALSEEP. It can’t be morning already. It is.
Fellow SW London girl Victoria Wallop blogs at It’s A Small World After All where she talks about travel, her three kids and their forthcoming round the world trip.
Nice post
Yours up at over at my blog if you want to have a look…
.-= Victoria said Mein glücklicher Pfennig =-.
Glowstars Reply:
March 5th, 2010 at 09:59
I was happily impressed too!
VERY nicely written!
loved the end… sorry… but it is funny… I know… I live that every day too…
LOL!
.-= Yuri @ urbanvox HQ said The Mystery Trip Unravelled (lol) =-.
I know it wasnt meant to make me cry, but I lived the first year of mini’s life like this. In fact it acrually drove me to the point of no return. One day I will tell all, but thankyou for allowing the warm tears to flow and leave a little more room for me
.-= TheMadHouse said Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Sailor or what I wish I known when choosing a career =-.
Writing it was actually quite hard, I had to try and take myself back to feel what it was like. It wasn’t an easy time for me, and actually seriously put me off having any more children. If she hadn’t been my first, and I’ve seen how lonely being an only can be from my mother, I don’t think I would have had any more, because it was so horrible.
.-= Victoria said Mein glücklicher Pfennig =-.
I so know where you are comng from – those first few months were a total blur both times but the second was the hardest beause having a three year old during the day meant I couldn’t rest then either!
.-= Tattie Weasle said Being Nice =-.
This is EXACTLY me at the moment. Uncanny. My daughter is 11 weeks old today and I’m exhausted. I plan my garden like that too, if only I had some time to do it! I know I will again soon. Lovely post.
.-= Emily O said Vlogging: Is it a craze? =-.
You so quickly forget those early days when you feel like you’re living in a different dimension to everyone else. This bought it all back….
Really evocative post, beautifully done x
.-= Paula said Playing with Knives- the Squeakquel… =-.
The thing that I found so hard Emily, was that I couldn’t sleep when I she was asleep as I was so wired and stressed about the situation. I found with my other two that I was better at sleeping, or falling asleep. I managed to conquer the fear, which is what it was, that I wouldn’t be able to sleep.
.-= Victoria said Mein glücklicher Pfennig =-.
I wish I’d had twitter then Tattie and Paula, would have made all the difference in the world knowing I wasn’t the only one awake with a baby. I had to rely on weekly NCT meet ups, which were never adequate. How can you put a week of nights into words at a coffee morning?
.-= Victoria said Mein glücklicher Pfennig =-.
Brilliant post, you so sum every mum of a small baby. I was instantly transported back to those small hours of the morning where you are waiting for them to wake so you can feed and then sleep.
Well done. xx
oh this all sounds so familiar! wonderfully written, a great post.
.-= Heather said My First Naked Party =-.
Thanks Heather and Very Bored!
.-= Victoria said Mein glücklicher Pfennig =-.