I can’t sleep. I don’t want to sleep. I’m restless. I’m sitting in my bed that hasn’t been made for the past 13 days, listening to an REO Speedwagon cd – but only the tracks that make me feel like writing – and writing, slowly, carefully, anything to drag out the time so I don’t have to sleep.
On Saturday I didn’t want to sleep – I had a fear of dreaming. Past one I had my music on, the light on, my eyes wide open, I was singing softly under my breath, trying to keep myself awake. I wrote about a fear of dreamming a long time back, when I really could write. That was a fear of daytime dreaming, the kind where your thoughts, your imagination rus away with you. Saturday night was a fear of falling asleep, or falling into the restless slumber marking out agitation, panic, fear, worry…
On Saturday night I was lying with the feeling of fearful, panicking worry: the shaking; the breathlessness; the nausea; the spinning head; the wavering on the borders of self-control. But, most of all, the shaking. I tried Jarvissa – she’s gone for awhile, others are nowhere to be seen – seems that the things I once drew comfort from are slowly disappearing.
Tonight is different. Today I was fine. It got to about 10 and I became shattered. Sitting in front of the computer was making me worse to I tried bed: that hideously mess but strangely comforting mountain of duvet. It’s not – strangely comforing that is. Tonight it just makes me feel that pit in my stomach more. If I sleep, the closer I get to somethings and the further I get from others. If I sleep it’s just anothe day that I’ve wasted my safety net, another day that I’ve not caught up on. It’s another day close to going.
The more I think about it the more I wonder if I can do this. I’ve watched so many friends try it, with their safety net, a small anchor still intact. IF I do this i’ll be giving up both in one go, trying things out without really knowing which to try first. I wonder if I can really manage at one.
I don’t think it’s that that’s stopping me from sleeping – it’s just a convenient excuse. I’m not sure what it is – I can’t quite put my finger on it. All I know is that I would stay awake all night if I could.